


You love you

by SalemAyuzawa



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, Interviews, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-11-02 07:23:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalemAyuzawa/pseuds/SalemAyuzawa
Summary: Víctor Nikiforov began his literary career with stories talking about love that cross barriers. Yuuri Katsuki became known in Japan thanks because of horror stories. When they meet, they start a path that nobody has imagined to answer a single question: how can you love someone if you don't love yourself?The story they have lived together has not been written, but today it will be told.





	1. I - Him

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [You love you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394300) by [AkiraHilar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkiraHilar/pseuds/AkiraHilar). 

> Victuuri / Transexual / AU
> 
> Warning: Yuuri and Víctor trans, possible OOC, appearance of OCs (none conflicting with the Victuuri relationship) Alternate Universe.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't belong Yuri!!! on ice and neither any of its characters. You love you belongs to Akira Hilar, I just traslate this wonderful story.
> 
> Well, this is the second traslation I've been working for. One of the best authors in latin america Yuri!!! on Ice fandom let me traslate one of her most beautiful works. I hope you bring her all your love and support, she deserves it!
> 
> I hope you like it!

When they talk about Víctor Nikiforov, the elegance depth and sensitivity of their romantic and historical works were mentioned, in the middle of tragic times, whose protagonists were people of different genders, religion, races and social classes, fighting against the world to live with passion.

When hearing from Yuuri Katsuki, the fluidity, accuracy and powerful presence in the words were praised, causing everyone to see their fears reflected in a spectacular, felt and raw way, to the point where they could not hit their eyelids without feeling that one of those entities were there, walking around him. It was confronting your worst fear and not knowing you safe.

Talking about both was taboo. But we will know their story.

The set was arranged to be an intimate setting: comfortable quilted furniture in an olive green color, combined in its decoration with the earth-colored vases and beige curtains. Barbara Smith was already there, looking at the last details while the production team accommodated the furniture cushions and the light that passed through the huge window.

Than morning in Manhattan dawned fresh, and for her it meant very good news because that day was special for her career. Barbara was a journalist with extensive experience, but, above all, a fanatic to death of the two authors whom she would have the fortune and honor to interview. The couple suddenly went to the media taking everyone's eyes, in the positive and negative ways they could imagine. The spread of the romantic relationship between Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki deserved the attention of the planet, but not in the way that sensationalism, contradiction and the ideology of hate had provoked. Barbara wanted to prove that.

Víctor Nikiforov at thirty-two, already had more than seventeen books of history and romance at different times in Europe. He was considered one of the most sought-after authors of the decade, with three Best Seller, a television series and two blockbuster films that had become the favorites of a large part of the population. His works spoke of love in the midst of tragedy, a love that went beyond gender. And despite the hard initial moments, he refused to give him a label to identify the type of relationship in his stories so as not to divert what he had called ‘the sense of love’.

Meanwhile, Yuuri Katsuki was an emerging author in the horror genre that first became known in Japan, her native country. Her first stories were published in the National University’s magazine and then through a personal blog on the web, where she began to make a considerable number of readers. When she published her first book: ‘Rooftop Window’, it was considered a new classic in Asian horror, which soon received adaptation to Japanese cinema. Yuuri became a benchmark of the genre, achieving the publication of four more books, although no one knew her physical appearance until last year it was first presented to the public, in the arms of Victor Nikiforov.

The different opinions that were on the news about Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki had provoked huge kind of debates around the world. It was no secret that Víctor Nikiforov had a special condition, because he had openly shown his transformation process to his true sex through his_ Instagram _ profile and had revealed important details on his _ 'You love you' _ page, where he encouraged acceptance of his identity and the process of support for the transition that should be followed by all the people locked in the wrong body. He defended, along with his sister Denisse Nikiforova, the free manifestation of their sexuality and identity over the limitations of society.

What nobody had expected to see, was the transformation of Yuuri Katsuki. As soon as they saw her appear, different from her former university classmates argued that they knew Yuuri Katsuki as a common Japanese, male, withdrawn and overweight. Teasing and unscrupulous comments were swift.

And there they were, moving on from the culture of hate and presenting themselves together no matter what society thought they said or knew about them. Barbara wanted to prove that hate was an ignorant monster that should be defeated.

“We’re ready,” Barbara heard the voice of her photographer Louis Velasquez, a young man with Mexican roots. David Lee announced that he was ready with the cameras and the lights had already been placed to get the best image. Danielle Darwinson approached to adjust the microphone in the emerald blouse that Barbara wore, adjusted her pronounced honey-colored curls and touched up the makeup on her tanned skin with a little dust.

“All right, we’re prepared. Where are our interviewees?”

“They’re in Giorgio’s hands, make up.”

Barbara nodded and took a deep breath. That moment was so important that she wanted to do her best in order the result was the desired one. Her greatest wish was that everyone saw the enormous talent, depth of emotions and feelings that they could give them through their stories, instead of being fixed in their sex or in the way they had decided to live their identity.

“Barbara,” the dark and melodious voice called her, causing a nervous start.

Víctor Nikiforov looked formidable with his impossibly clear hair that fell into a bangs over his eyebrows, giving him a young and avant-garde appearance. He had the height of his imposing Russian blood, which next to that cream suit highlighted his overwhelming figure, which had no vestiges of his birth sex. A small matte pink scarf adorned the pocket of his coat and his blue eyes gleamed with the light eyeliner that had been placed to intensify his gaze.

Barbara approached very excitedly to extend her hand as a greeting. They shared a couple of impressions about the preparations and then, listened to the words of Lucas, their director, who gave them instructions on the location of each one.

“Nervious?” Barbara asked to which Victor only denied. Rather he looked excited.

“I'm ready now. Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity, Barbara.”

“Thanks to you for accepting the invitation.”

Glad, she gave the pass to her guest and Victor took a seat in front of her. Barbara wore an elegant sand-colored tailor suit with the shirt and emerald accessories that highlighted, in turn, her exotic green eyes. Seeing her ready, Victor settled with his legs crossed and proudly wore the fine Italian moccasins that gave him so much status, while his taken hands rested on his lap and the gold ring glittered between his pale fingers. Then Yuuri arrived and Victor looked at her from his place, smiled in love when he saw her sit in one of the chairs on the set, waiting for her moment to enter.

“Ready.”

“You told me it's not live, isn’t it?”

“That’s right, as you asked, Victor.”

“Three.”

“Perfect! Otherwise, Yuuri will be scared”.

“Two,” Barbara took a breath and smiled next to Víctor, “One.”

“Good morning, friends from Manhattan and the world. I’m Barbara Smith and I welcome you to our ‘Winds of Change’ space, our special program to give voice to all the people who have come to the world to make a diference. Stories of life and improvement that will inspire us,” Barbara spoke fluently before the camera, and a soft smile that gave strength to her jovial and relaxed look, “Today I have the honor of introducing you two extremely special guests to me. As many will know, I’m an avid reader and I have found wonderful stories from the hand of emerging authors in the last decade, which together with those spectacular classics, allows us to understand a little more about the vision of the world of its authors and the way in which they watch the world.

“One of these authors that I have most admired, is a man who has changed the way of living romance and history in whole Europe, with plots set in the most chaotic and critical periods of humanity, but a sensitivity that has earned praise of the community. Among his works, the book "Until I Find You" is my favorite, with the story of two women, a Jew and a German who must face the horror of the Second World War and the Holocaust. Here we have, and it’s an honor for me to introduce to you, to its author: Victor Nikiforov.”

“It’s a honor for me to be here, Barbara.”

“I think I had told you these was my favorite book, although it isn’t the most recognized. Your work: ‘Ruby Diamond Secret’ has already won several nominations, but, above all, the adaptation to a Netflix series. How was your beginning as a writer?”

“Oh Barbara! for that I would have to go back to my sweet seven years, when after watching TV series with my mother and listening to the stories of Harry Potter that my sister was telling me, I began to imagine brand new worlds. The history classes next to my professor Igor Ivannov had a lot to do, when I listened to the testimonies of the survivors in Leningrad during the German siege of those years, I couldn't help wondering what it was like to live that life. Leningrad's seventh symphony, every time I listened to it, made me cry. For me the strength of the human being was impressive and I felt that in such a profound way that I could not help it. It was easy to put together both, that love that everything can with human strength, and think about how their stories could be to wish to write them.”

“The beginning of a great writer.”

“I think so,” they laugh in a relaxed way, “Rather, I’d say the beginning of a great dreamer.”

“How was your first story?”

“Oh, Barbara, my first story was the first book I tried to edit and they rejected me. It was called ‘_ A new time’ _ and was about a red army soldier and a Japanese soldier found in Siberia. I think my heart was already taking me to Japan.”

“And I’m eager to know the story. But first, I would like to know something else. When did Victoria realize that it was Victor?”

“Victoria always knew that she was Victor, it was not a revelation or knowledge that had come suddenly, I always felt that something was not right in me. At the beginning, it was something strange and very difficult to explain. The first person I told to was Denisse. She looked at me, hugged me and told me everything would be fine.

“Time went on, and I realize that not everything would be fine. That it wasn’t just an isolated sensation. When my changes began at puberty I was irritated, frustrated and anxious. It was hard, my family didn't accept it, I was teased at school and they even forbade me to write. When my father got my stories and novel forced me to leave them and erased all my advances. I had to start writing ‘A new time’ in a notebook I kept in the school library for fear that my father would find it.”

“It must have been very hard.”

“It was, but it made me stronger. My natural aversion to what the world imposed on me with what I lived in my heart helped me overcome everything. For a while, I made my parents believe that I was going to be the girl they wanted to see. The fact that he read romantic and historical novels made them believe that Victor had died. But no, Victor was just preparing, he only read these novels to be able to express my stories and when I met Georgi Popovich, my first 'boyfriend', it was that I could publish the stories on an online platform, taking my real name: Victor Nikiforov.”

“Georgie Popovich really was your boyfriend?”

“We tried, but we realized something: we were better as friends. When I trusted him with the truth about my body, Georgi understood that it would not be that girl he idealized. However, we kept up appearances and my father was happy with the idea of me having a boyfriend. He was from a good family and was a boy; he thought that would make me more girl, but the truth is that Georgi was the one who published my stories and showed me the comments. Thanks to him, I gave free rein to who I am.”

“How did the change from Victoria to Victor began?”

“I called Denisse one day from a communications center. I said: _ ‘Denisse, I’m Victor’ _ . She didn’t understand at the time, she asked me who was calling and I repeated: _ ‘I am Victor. Victor. Sister, help me out.' _ At that time, Denisse lived in Switzerland, she was doing postgraduate studies at the University of Zurich. She organized everything and convinced my parents to take me with her to Switzerland to do my literature studies. They let me go confident that, next to a woman as feminine and elegant as Denisse, I would strengthen my feminine identity; and they even handed him the power so he could decide for me.

“By the time I said goodbye to Georgi, I was crying. My father then placed his hand on my head and said: _ ‘Don't worry, daughter, you get love everywhere.’ _ He didn’t know at that time that I did not cry for leaving Georgi, I was crying because I was going to be free. Georgi hugged me very tightly, and asked me to become the most handsome man in the world. I think I made it!”

“Without any doubt,” Barbara laughed, evidently struggling not to release the lump in her throat, “Although it’s a story that you have already told through your website and as a testimony of your organización ‘You love you’, is still fascinating.”

“I’m very proud to be able to tell it and very grateful to my sister because it made it possible.”

“How was the first time your parents faced Victor Nikiforov?”

“Very dramatic. My mother began to cry when she saw me three years later, hiding my breasts, without my long hair, without my curves. I had started the hormonal treatment as soon as I came of age, and faced an exercise regimen to develop my muscles, all while studying my career. Dad looked at me and had to drink a lot of vodka. When he was pretty toned, he said: _ ‘You look like the son I always wanted, but I was in love with my princess. What did you do with her?’ _ I told him that it didn't matter if I was a prince or a princess, that all that mattered was that he was still his son.

“He questioned me how I could say I was a boy if I liked things about girls like pink colors, or precious stones or stories of romance. It was hard to make him see that what I liked to wear, eat or read had nothing to do with my sexual identity. That, just as there are women who prefer blue or men who like strawberries, I was a boy locked in the body of a girl with a deep sensitivity to romance. The fact that I liked romance, made me neither more girl nor less boy.

“After that time, I couldn't visit my parents for five more years. There was a tacit and silent agreement between them and we knew it was for the best. I had a mastectomy at twenty-one and I must say that I had no more desire to return to the operating room for a good while. I dedicated myself to my job, graduated and had a couple of couples since then. Unfortunately they didn’t work as I would have, they had trouble calling me with the sex with which I identify and there was one who believed that I could become a woman. I stopped looking when I felt I had enough with society to have a partner next to me that couldn't understand me.”

“Until Yuuri arrived.”

“Yuuri was my salvation!”

“How did you meet?”

“I think that none of my romantic novels can express what our story was. I met Yuuri thanks to the fan letters that I began to receive with my fourth book: ‘Behind the cantaros’, the story of a gay couple in India in the twenties. I was surprised to find a huge envelope and when I saw it was many sheets. My first impression was: ‘They sending me a manuscript.’ It would not be strange, is something that usually happens. But when I started reading, on a night I was bored, it was not a manuscript: it was a huge and heartfelt letter of everything Yuuri had felt when reading my story and it made me cry.

“I was fascinated to think about how I could reach people who are so far away. The first thing I said to Chris, my editor, was: 'When did my novel arrive to Japan?' Chris told me that I had not arrived to Japan yet, that they had not signed any translation contract, however, a Japanese woman had seen her and although Chris had been angry at the plagiarism, I had considered myself happy. That letter had paid whatever price Yuuri could have invested for the book.

“Her beautiful letter was writting in fluently and naturally English. I couldn't contain myself from writing to her in thanks and sending her a couple of scenes that inspired me when reading that letter. It seems crazy, but I felt an immediate attraction. I felt that she had something that I wanted with me.”

“And then…”

“Nothing. We keep writing letters for about a year!,” they laugh freely, enjoying the moment in front of the cameras, “I know that in this technological age this sounds absurd, but I had a fixation for classical things and Yuuri, without knowing it, was falling in love with that simplicity that made me see in her letters. When the mail arrived, I felt happy. I searched her correspondence like crazy and read her letters over and over again. When she told me that it was not the first one, but that she had sent me others, I searched through the boxes of letters that reached me until I found them and answered them all. There came a time where it stopped being enough, that I needed more of it.

“But as much as I tried to give me her phone number to call her, she didn't give it to me. She also didn't want to accept me to speak by video call. She said she was ugly, that she didn't want to disappoint me, and I could only think that it was impossible. Even if Yuuri had a huge scar on her face, I was sure I would see her as the most beautiful thing in life. And that was for her soul, for the way she showed me to see life, for her intelligence, her passion, her cheerfulness. Through the letters she showed me a beautiful person, the body would be the least for me. I wanted her, I wanted to meet her, I felt in my heart that I had to follow this hunch just as I thought I was Victor.

“Then, I learned Japanese while writing for another long year, talking about the wonderful person she was and how much I wanted to meet her. Start alternating my English and Japanese letters so she could see how I was improving. It was great, I knew I was falling in love. I was so delighted that I thought I owned the whole world every time one of her letters arrived. When I managed to understand Japanese enough, I tried to find her profile and found her blog with her stories. I was fascinated. I showed them to Chris and said: this is pure gold. Yuuri's way of making us feel terror is amazing, the images in my head explode with her narrative, she left me stunned. I was simply fascinated and yes, more in love to see that she was also a writer. So I did the same as her: I wrote her a long letter letting her know what I found and what I felt. Do you know what his response was?”

“No, which was?”

“She stopped writing,” There was an awkward silence, “She stopped writing to me and writing.”

“Why did she stop writing?”

“I didn’t know at the time, but I felt very sad when the months passed and I had no letter. I fought with the mail office convinced that they were getting lost, then I thought that she had moved and was on the lookout for her blog, but during those days she had no activity and I saw that her readers also began to worry. I couldn't stand it, I took a chance and took the direction of her letters to get there. I was afraid that her silence would mean her disappearance, for the first time in my life I couldn't stand the idea of losing someone other than my sister. When I arrived, they took me to a family Japanese onsen where a couple of very charismatic and friendly Japanese attended me. I asked about Yuuri and they told me that it would take time to wake up. I was offered the hot springs while I waited and by the time I was relaxed after the long trip, she appeared. He was running, full of clothes. The most wonderful woman I have ever met appeared before my eyes with the body of a man.”

“Was was your first impression, Victor?”

“I won’t deny it, the first thing I thought was that someone else had entered the bathroom, not her. But as soon as I saw how she fell on his knees and covered herself with her hands, curling up on the floor while emitting the most acute and painful crying I've heard in my life: I knew it was her. It was Yuuri, Yuuri crying before me in the saddest way and I froze. It was immediately, I could understand her so clearly that my throat was knotted. Even now that I remember it, I have a lump in my throat again. She was there, hiding from the world and crying like she was the worst sinner. She was there suffering, locked up, confined in a body she didn't feel hers. I understood why she said no to calls, not to cameras, because she didn't have a profile on social networks. My Yuuri was terrified and imprisoned.

“I got up from the hot springs just as I was; with my naked body that contained all the samples of what the transit that I had lived to become who I should be was. But somehow, it was there that I understood that not everyone has a sister Denisse who facilitates the transit, not everyone has someone wonderful like my sister who helped me become who I wanted to be. I became aware of that and all I wanted was to cry.”

“And what did you do, Victor?”

“I sat naked on the floor where she was crying and put my hand on her head. I told her what Denisse told me that time I felt so confused: ‘Everything will be fine.’ She repeated ‘no’, ‘no’, ‘no’, ‘not right’. It looked like a mantra that simply said because it had been that way for years.”

“God, Víctor. I'm just listening to you and it's hard for me to hold back the tears.”

“Well, it’s hard for me to contain them every time I remember that magical moment of revelation.”

“And we want to know more about what happened between you. Yuuri Katsuki was already a name that resonated in the horror genre in Japan, but no one knew if it was just a pseudonym, what was his or her face and his or her true sex. We go to commercials and then we would like to hear the rest of the story, this time with the presence of Yuuri Katsuki by your side.”

“It will be an honor to be side by side with the most beautiful and sensitive woman that I have been able to meet apart from my sister. And by listening to her, you will understand why I could write about love and she about fear.”

The director said ‘cut’ and Barbara had to release the air full of tribulation. A huge knot was now tucked into her chest, almost squeezing her to the intestines and making her feel sick and tearful. She felt emotionally exhausted, since it was impossible for her not to be immersed in Victor's wonderful words and life story so fascinating that no book dared to pick up. And the effort she was representing to contain the crying was causing her an intense chill that made her feel vulnerable.

She recieved help from Giorgio, who touched up her makeup while talking to distract her. Barbara tried to get distracted by the jokes and disentangled comments of her co-worker; However, she couldn’t stop looking at the dynamics that happened a few meters away, when Victor Nikiforov went to look for Yuuri Katsuki to share a meaningful hug.

It hurt to think where fear could arise.


	2. II - Hers

Victor Nikiforov stood up to approach his partner, Yuuri Katsuki, who was looking at him with bright eyes. Her torn features were emphasized by makeup and her lips were colored a soft old pink color; He wore a beautiful Japanese decorated dress in a king blue tone, with beautiful representations of birds with bright feathers that stood out on their white skin. When she stood up, the skirt of the dress covered a little above her knees and she hugged herself in the arms of her partner, crushing each other with great affection, while the ring in her right hand stood out between the light tufts of her boyfriend.

When she had seen her arrive, she was a shy and reserved girl who was looking to wear baggy and comfortable clothes, with a very classic and conservative style. Victor was right in saying that when she was wearing makeup she would be surprised because she was the most beautiful woman they could see. Her breasts were highlighted by the V cut of the dress and her hair was straightened and combed for the occasion, with a comb that was given by her own mother. She was gorgeous.

The director gave the instructions to continue and Barbara took a breath again. She asked to be given a handkerchief because she was completely sure that, in the next part of the story, she could not stand. Everything she knew about what happened with Yuuri was due to some previous comments when they were scheduling that interview, but if with Víctor, she had felt that feeling of wanting to hug, she didn't imagine what he would feel now that he would listen to her.

After the warning, Victor approached his girlfriend, Yuuri Katsuki; nobody would ever imagine that a woman like her was one of the most important exponents of the horror genre.

“Are you ready?,” Victor asked, looking at the journalist softly.

“I am,” Barbara picked up more air, giving Yuuri Katsuki a wondering look, “So are you, Yuuri?”

“So am I…” the Japanese girl replied taking as much air as she did. At that moment, Victor leaned down and stole a gentle kiss from Yuuri, causing her to lean back and show a precious blus, “Victor, you will take my lipstick off!”

“At this point, I want to take off more from you,” Barbara cleared her throat at the insinuation and Yuuri grew even redder. Her semi-hidden ears between the hair and adorned by gold jewelry were flushed.

“Ready! To their positions!,” They sat waiting for the count down and Barbara saw the way Yuuri looked for Victor's hand that wore the ring and tightened his grip, “ Three, two, one!

“We continue our interview today, in our space ‘Winds of change’, where you can learn really inspiring stories that are capable of changing our worldview. And what a better exponent than our guests: Victor Nikiforov and his partner, Yuuri Katsuki, both great exponents of the genre of romance and terror, respectively, in the world of literature.

“On this occasion, I want to talk about our guest, Yuuri Katsuki. During the first years that this name was heard as part of the new culture of terror in Japan, the appearance of this woman was unknown. It was until a year ago that we could have the first public appearance of this amazing author, who fascinated me and left me breathless with her work: ‘_ When the branches sob _’, her most popular book so far. Thank you for accepting the invitation, Yuuri.”

“Thank you for offering us this space,” Yuuri's soft and slightly thick voice was heard.

“It was inevitable that this moment would come. Tell me Yuuri, you used your own name as a pseudonym and, unlike Victor, who did require a name change in his documentation, you decided to stay with yours. For what reason?”

“Actually, Yuuri's name is a very special name, I have to thank my mother for giving it to me. Among the kanji that make up his writing, there is the kanji of courage, and at some point I felt that this had some meaning about what it really was, because my name also has another use in Japan, which is to call lilies, my favorite flower. It has great value for me and is a unisex name, so there was no problem keeping him being male or female.”

“And it became her pseudonym.”

“I thought people would believe it was a coincidence that we shared the same name and wouldn’t suspect that I was the author of those books. I thought it would be an effective way to mislead them.”

“According to Victor’s story, when he sent you the letter with his impressions of your stories, you stopped writing to him. What happened?”

“To be honest, I panicked. I always introduced myself to Victor as a woman, I felt that with him I could let out the identity I had kept for a long time. His writing and his characters invited me to imagine that some of those love stories could be mine, that I could live them. So it was easy for me to write and introduce myself that way. I didn’t expect Victor to improve Japanese so quickly, much less that he had the interest of looking for me. When I realized that he had found me, I felt scared. I didn't want Victor to see who I really was: a fat man, not a beautiful Japanese girl.”

“And then he came to your home.”

“Víctor will never cease to s-surprise me…”

“And you cried.”

“I was absolutely terrified, convinced that he would hate me. All I could feel was shame and dread. I didn't want him to see me, I wanted to disappear. If it had been possible, I would have died right there and would have been fine. I was more frightened to think that the eyes of not only an idol, but almost an impossible love, looked at me with disgust.”

“How did you realize your real nature?”

“I was three years old. My mother left me in charge of Minako-sensei and she was a very sought-after dancer. The ballet made me fall in love and wanted to see me in those rhinestones suits that I saw in the photographs and videos. There it was that I realized that something was wrong, although I didn’t understand it. Why did they point me to the prince if I wanted to be the princess? At the beginning, my parents didn’t see any problems if I was the one who wore tutu, the one who grabbed my older sister's dresses and tried to use my mother's few lipsticks. As I grew up, I could see that this look of fun changed to fear.

“The first time I faced that look in my mother, I knew something was wrong with me. I remember that day I had dressed in the kimono of my sister's summer festival, which was very big, and I was trying to put on one of the combs I had on the dressing table. My sister used to use me to dress like a doll, I was very happy with those games, so it was easy to play alone while my sister was at school. But when mom found me, her eyes broke. It was like watching a window break and the rain come in. He started cleaning my face to take off all the makeup I was trying to put on and cried saying: ‘sorry’, ‘sorry’, ‘sorry’. I can't blame my mother for feeling fear, I didn't know what to do. We lived in a forgotten and distant town, with deep-rooted customs and fear was her first reaction. He forbade Mari-chan to play with me again as if it were a doll and I, I understood. I understood what was wrong: I was.

“My parents, despite the confusion and fear they had, tried to make me happy. Dad managed to explain to Mom that it didn't matter if I wanted to wear pink because I still liked blue, which was fine. To believe in how strong I was. I remember the day my sister gave me a pink dress, before the scared look of mom. I was happy to be able to dress it even if it was inside the house. Then it became that, something inside the house, that only some tourists and neighbors saw, but considered it as a way to spoil myself too much. However, when leaving ... when leaving should be a boy.”

“It must have been very hard for you and your parents.”

“My parents love me, I could never doubt it. They love me in an infinite way, but to fight hate you cannot do it only with love, but with knowledge. That was something they didn't have at that time. Once upon a time I heard the discussion of an old man who came to our house with his family. He scolded my father for not giving me correction. My father tried to contain him, but that old man talked about how horrible it was to allow his son to dress like a girl and not take the leadership of the house, leaving it to my sister. I was a teenager when that happened. The man came out saying what he saw and I don't know why, suddenly the whole school knew it. Everyone knew that I dressed as a girl at home, that my parents had me hidden and that at some point I danced ballet.”

“What happened to ballet?”

“Mom made me leave it when she realized how I wanted to dress, then when she wanted to give me back, I told her I didn't want to. I was afraid, I didn't want her to cry again. I didn't want her to apologize again as if it was her fault that I was defective.”

“I get it,” Barbara swallowed and took a breath, “Wao, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to. That was what the school did. My teammates stopped approaching, my friends walked away, my best friend Yuko got into fights when she tried to defend me. I was a victim of bullying in my school. It is not the kind of bullying seen in America: I received flowers and letters at my table. Everyone can say: what is wrong with receiving flowers and letters? The bad thing is that this is done only when a student died. They were telling me that they were waiting for my death, just that, the message is that they wanted me to die. I didn't find support in the teachers because they just made silence, and soon I found myself alone.

“Receiving this kind of treatment at school caused me not to want to study again. Mom cried again and it was my fault again. I felt that everything bad that happened in my family was my fault and all this got worse when my body began to present the first changes. I hated myself, I loathed myself, I attacked my own body. I would have ended my life at that time if Mari-chan hadn’t found me there, after trying to hang myself fruitlessly in the closet. I was so fat that the tube fell and I took all my clothes with me. Mari-chan came in worried about the noise and I was crying. She thought I only tried to accommodate or achieve something and that is why it happened, but when she saw the strap tied around my neck, she understood everything… she understood everything and slapped me.”

“My god…”

“The slap rumbled into my head. I didn't even feel the pain radiating on my cheek, because she immediately hugged me, sticking to her chest as I squeezed and cried. What I did feel was the deep pain with which my sister cried. She said: _ ‘Yuuri, I love you, we love you. Mom loves you, dad loves you, I love you. Do you want to kill us from pain? If you die we die, Yuuri. We died'. _

“How old was you when that happened, Yuuri?”

“Thirteen years,” Barbara tried to control the trembling of her jaw, while Yuuri carefully dried the tear that had escaped, “I was thirteen years old.”

“And… what happened after that?”

“Mari-chan told my parents what had happened, because I confessed in the midst of tears. I told them about the people who walked away, the notes and flowers on my table, the silence of my teachers, even the times they hurt Yuko because of me. That night, my parents cried with me and told me that everything would be fine, not to worry. But he had already arrived at that point that it hurts so much that you no longer feel it. I felt anesthetized, locked in a bubble. I heard my parents crying and only thought of one thing: _ ‘How detestable you are, Yuuri. You made them cry again, Yuuri ’. _ I didn't want to make them cry, I wanted them to be proud of me, honor them, satisfy them, give them happiness. I decided that if I couldn't change what the world thought about me, then I would have to change what I thought of myself. I stopped referring to her as her and became just him.

“When days later I left home with only my normal clothes and Mari-chan noticed that I had thrown away everything I kept and I liked to wear, including that pink dress, she asked me if I was safe. I said, ‘I'm sure.’ ‘I want to be strong, Mari-chan,’ I said, ‘I'll get stronger.’ I didn't think that at some point all that attempt to be stronger and deny my nature would bring me a bigger problem, with which I still fight today.

“I started karate and self-defense classes, and I became one of the best athletes in the new school where my father enrolled me, in Fukuoka, when I moved with my sister when she started the technical career. I became what I wanted: the pride of my parents, because at fifteen I had won the national championship. Karate cleared me, made silence in my head. While everyone admired each other, I could only practice, day and night, without rest, and tried to avoid the idea that I was less and less a woman. That every day that passed there was more hair, more thickness in my voice, more of a man who didn't feel me.

“In the midst of that conflict, I received an injury to my ankle at one of the youth championships. It was in a moment of distraction that the one who was my opponent approached and whispered to me: ‘you are a girl’. I never thought it could be enough to destabilize me, but again and again I heard that voice in the night telling me that again, in many ways, in different decibels. They were voices that were potentiating in my head. The first symptoms began: the feeling of being persecuted, that someone knew what it really was, that people could see me naked with the body that didn’t belong to me, that everyone knew and listened to what was going through my mind. The anxiety began to drown me and when I turned sixteen, I had my first panic attack.”

“You collapse.”

“No one can be strong denying himself.”

“What happened?”

“It happened what it had to happen. In the therapy I was forced to go to, they asked me to write what I felt and dreamed to calm down. Thus I wrote my first story: ‘The corpse of the wall’. The writer was born and this was the only way I faced fear.

“By writing about my fears, this helped them stay on paper. After karate practices or when he was about to have an attack, I grabbed the notebook on top and wrote. I wrote about the stinks, the sounds that echoed, the long halls and the flickering lights. But above all, I wrote of my furious beats, of my sense of persecution, of that lurking shadow and the smell of the corpse I had on my back. In less than four months, I had already filled sheets and sheets of stories of various kinds. My psychiatrist then gave me my first horror book: ‘The Ring’ by Koji Suzuki. He told me that many times life tests us because he needs to teach the world something and must create his own spokesperson. I believed in my writing skills and with this I became a fan of several Japanese authors of the genre.”

“And how did you get to Victor's books, if you only read terror?”

“It was a funny way, nothing thought. On my eighteenth birthday, my sister gave me one of her books: ‘Under the moon of Leningrad’. She told me that since I only read terror, I would read something nice to vary. A friend had sent it to her in PDF and since we both handled English very well, there would be no problem. But that book has not been open for two years on the computer, I was not interested in romance. Becoming an assiduous reader of terror helped me to understand that much of my fears only existed in my head and to handle anxiety much better.”

“Then, what happened?”

“Some time later, I went to Tokyo. Thanks to having won a horror contest, I had a quota at the university to study psychology. It isn’t something that is very well seen, but I greatly appreciated the work that my psychiatrist did with me in taking me to the path of writing, and I wanted to try. So I started studying and writing in my spare time, the studies helped a lot in being able to better understand and express the terrors of my head. There I became ‘boyfriend’ of a girl, Yuzuki. She was pretty, vivacious and intelligent. It was my new attempt to fit into society.

“Our relationship was quite short, although there was good chemistry. She was lovely and made me feel good, she also seemed me attractive so I was sure it was a good sign. I was thinking that I could marry her, although I was scared at the thought of seeing the two of us dressed as bride. I couldn't see myself in a tuxedo and that started causing me, again, conflict. However, it all ended after our first night together. I was very nervous, my body was amorphous and strange to me, it was hard for me to be in tune between what I felt, what I wanted to feel and how my body reacted. I saw her body and wanted to have it, I wanted her to caress my chest as if I had breasts, I wanted her to praise my waist even if it didn't exist. All that complexity in my head hit me again and she finally hugged me. She told me that everything was fine, that she would help and just took care of everything.

“I wasn’t a virgin anymore and I can't say it was spectacular, my head was blank. I came to feel pleasure, but I did not feel good about myself. It was as if I could not remove the finger from that region: ‘you are a girl’, ‘you are a girl’, ‘you are a girl’. I woke up in the middle of the night, while she slept and, after going to the bathroom, picked up the clothes that were left on the floor. I couldn't contain the urge to take her dress; it was a black, short and very sensual, with whom we went out to the bar where we had the appointment. I took it, went to the bathroom and undressed. It fit me when I could dress with him but I felt... me. It was a few minutes, just a few minutes where I felt it was good to see myself like this, imagine myself with long hair, with small breasts and I even thought I was willing to follow a diet to have a nice waist. It was only a few minutes, until she entered. His eyes told me everything. The terror was there again.”

“She didn’t accept it.”

“No, she looked at me with disgust, began to move furiously in the room, told me that it had been the worst sex she had ever had and that she had understood why. I accepted everything in silence while I dressed quickly with my clothes. She kept saying that the only reason she put on her dress was because she didn't bring any more, otherwise she would have burned it. ‘She would never wear clothes touched by a degenerate.’ I understood that there was no turning back, the university was going to become hell again. Once more, I had a crisis at home, and I didn’t return to class for weeks, until my sister arrived. All my life before Victor had been about that: ephemeral moments of happiness to see me as he wanted to see me, with months and months of treatments as if it had been something traumatic. I was afraid of feeling good, I was afraid because I knew it would be an ordeal later.

“After that I stopped approaching people and some confused me with a _ Hikikomori _. The truth is that he had not reached that end, but it worked if he had no one approaching. At the same time, I opened the account on a page of writers and used my pseudonym name, but with the photo of a Japanese woman who was a model at the time. I left her there and published some of my corrected stories, that's how I got to know there.

“That each of the comments congratulate me referring to me as a woman became a balm. So I managed to finish the race and graduate to return home. However, it didn’t calm my fears, nor to feel satisfied with my life. The fact that they published one of my books was not enough, the one that won the prizes in the magazines didn’t fill me anymore and every request to present myself for an interview denied me flatly because I preferred that the world stay with the image of a woman that was never going to be.”

“You didn’t think about going through sex reassignment treatment?”

“Back then, it was impossible for me. I didn't want my parents to feel shame. They were the only ones who knew, along with Yuko, my sister and Minako-sensei, that I was that author of horror books that was being sold in Tokyo. They and of course, the publisher, who kept silent considering that this way of presenting me would make sales go up. The mystery was a good market agent.”

“And what happened to the book you had received from Victor?”

“I read it while finishing my career. My computer was quite slow and I had to backup my files to format it. There it was that I saw that the PDF was still there, the name didn't tell me anything at that moment. I just opened it, I skipped everything until I reached the first chapter and read the first paragraph. I will never forget it, I repeated it so many times, that I learned it by heart:

_ “His eyes shone in the middle of that dark night, over Pevchesky's bridge. He looked at me as one who looks at a woman and again I wanted to see myself as one, feel like one, hear myself as one. There, in the middle of the streets where blood ran and hunger filled our souls, under Leningrad's moon, I had to let it go. The only one who knew who he was, before I met him and who loved me, before I loved me. And because of that, I couldn't ask him to stay. ‘I understood why my sister had given it to me, why I had put it on my computer and said:’ Read it.’ I cried when I read it and I still cry when I review some of his scenes. Every letter she wrote to the soldier who went out to fight Stalingrad and didn’t return, became my company. _

“After reading his book about five times, I was encouraged to write a letter with everything I had felt when I met his story. Victor Nikiforov had become irreplaceable, I needed to thank him for writing something as beautiful and deep as it. I wrote to him, without waiting for him to read it, I never even imagined that Victor would take time to respond to the fans. So the fact of not receiving an answer in the first letter was no problem, I liked that anonymity, I liked to feel that way. After having bought his book and that it came to me in English at my apartment, I marked every sentence that I had liked. If you see my book, it is an edition full of phosphorescent colors, notes and scraps of leaves with prints. I was next to my bed and every time I had nightmares I got to read and live that life. Then I needed more, with Victor it was never enough.

“I bought the books he had already published using my earnings. I read them, I analyzed them, I cried, I read again and I dedicated myself to thinking that one day I could live such a story. Of course my mind sabotaged me, it told me that it was impossible: ‘You are a fat and ugly man who thinks you are a woman, Yuuri’. That was the inspiration for the story I wrote: _ ‘When the branches sob’, _ that invisible enemy of the Fuji forest who chases the young protagonist in the forest, driving her crazy and urging her to kill herself. That was me.”

“And how was it when your first response letter arrived?”

“I wanted to die,” for the first time from her space, she allowed herself to laugh, “Well, wanting to die was a constant in my life since I was thirteen, but on that occasion it was to die of happiness. At first I thought it was an automatic response, like those of networks and e-mails. Surely it was a person who wrote for him to keep his fans happy. But no, when I started reading I perceived it, it was the same Victor Nikiforov thanking me for my words, saying how much he had liked to read me and with special scenes from his story. There, I wanted to die again. I was going to die of happiness.”

“Luckily, you didn't die, my Yuuri. What would I do without my love and life?”

“I love you.”

“And I love being here, listening to all this, participating in such… impressive stories,” sighs, “In the third part, I would love to hear the story of how you started your journey to become that woman you always knew you were, and how Victor Nikiforov was there to help you start this long road. Also, we will know how ‘You love you’ started, the organization promoted by Víctor Nikiforov to promote acceptance and love for oneself. We will be back in a few minutes.”

The director said cut again and Barbara needed to cover her face. She began to tremble, to feel her bones vibrate within her skin, to feel her joints ache and all she wanted was simply to overflow in tears. Victor rose from his seat, offering her a handkerchief to comfort her, and when Barbara looked up again, Victor was able to see that those big green eyes were broken and wet. She was affected and needed time to recover, her professionalism could not with all that.

When she felt better, she got up and walked over to where Yuuri was standing, visibly worried about the outburst. Barbara didn’t contain the powerful hug she gave as soon as she had it within reach. She told her she was strong, one of the strongest women she knew. Strong and beautiful. Yuuri just thanked her words meekly and let her cry until she calmed down.

It was impossible for her not to feel this affected because despite hearing a story of hope, she recognized all those who had not been able to live like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the seconds chapter of this beautiful and incredible story. 
> 
> Please let us know what do you think about it! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> xoxo


	3. III - Our

Barbara finished taking a breath on the balcony of the office that served as the stage for the interview. She needed that moment alone to be able to align her ideas and regain her composure, since after hearing it, all her feelings were removed as if she had been touched by a hurricane and had had a hard time quitting. She didn't think there were words to describe the story they wrote together, and she was sure it was still to be known. At least, as Lucas told him, the worst was over. Despite the deep admiration that grew in her, she couldn't help feeling that pain from the past as if it were something present.

With a horrifying feeling still going through her windpipe, Barbara returned to stage. There, she saw them: Victor brought a glass of water to Yuuri and she took it after ingesting a pill. At that moment, her partner took the opportunity to stroke her cheek with love and she smiled in love, because those brown eyes shone as if they were stars in the sky. Despite the distance that existed and for which she could not hear, she could get an idea of the intimate conversation they were sharing: a 'I love you so much' said by Victor, before approaching and stealing a kiss from those lips that lengthened to his liking, along with the 'care they see us' that Yuuri timidly whispered over his mouth. Then the hug, the constant lullaby with which they rocked each other and the way she relaxed safely and confidently in her partner's arms.

A relationship that exuded respect, commitment and dedication; love at overflowing doses. They looked so beautiful together that no one could imagine that they had both come a hard way to be male and female, having been born as female and male.

And so was love, there was no need to find logic because nature had no power when he introduced himself and managed to unite two souls to walk together. Although the human being wanted to limit it to simple variables, it was too complex to enter a single formula.

“I’m glad to see that for Yuuri it was not as difficult as for me,” Barbara approached the couple, who separated to receive her, “You look really beautiful.”

“Thanks, Barbara,” Victor's stunning smile was impossible to ignore. She felt delighted, “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, despite having already read their testimonies on the ‘You love you’ website, listening to it is…. something indescribable.”

“Yuuri is indescribable by herself. I’m surprised that she had accepted, otherwise we would not have been here.”

“And I understand perfectly why. After what he has lived, it must still be scary to face the world,” Barbara looked with deep admiration at Yuuri, who blushed deliciously, “Tell me, how do you feel now?”

“Grateful,” Yuuri's warm smile filled her soul, “in another time I would never have thought about this and today I feel strangely brave. I want to talk about how Victor came into my life unexpectedly and because the only way I managed to call this feeling was love. Since I clung to him and believed in him, love has filled my whole life. Not only because of him, but because he made me understand all the love that surrounded me and that I couldn’t notice because of the fear.”

“I want to hear this part of the story. It’s the unwritten part,” they both laughed at it and shook each other.

“Are you ready?,” Lucas asked. They issued a firm yes, in chorus, “Barbara are you ready to continue?”

“I am,” Lucas nodded and began giving instructions. Danielle again approached to accommodate the microphones of each of them, moment that Barbara took advantage of. “Victor, Yuuri, we would love to have you after dinner with us. We want to pay tribute to his great story.”

“It would be a plesure,” Victor replied after making sure Yuuri answered with a look, “I only have one request: a dance floor.”

“Dance floor?,” asked intrigued, “Do you want to Dance?”

“Dancing is something that unites us in a very special way and, yes, why deny it? We are magnificent dancers!”

“Víctor!”

The laughter of the moment was extinguished by Lucas, who gave the last details to give the final part of the interview, so the couple and the journalist were located in their seats. Victor and Yuuri returned to take their hands already sitting on the furniture of the set, while the makeup was retouched by some dust from Giorgio and immediately everything was ready to continue.

This time, they had added a flat screen TV to the bottom of the decoration, which was turned off. According to the indications, they would do a photographic review as they were talking to give the audience more detail of what that transit had been. The photographs were taken by them and approved in advance, to maintain the implicit respect in that project and not violate the rights of their guests. They did not want to approach their history with the yellowness that the pink press, websites of the LGBT community and blogs of critics did, when they began to evaluate the quality of their literary works with the personal news that leaked from them.

“We start in three ... two ... one!”

“We are still here in ‘Winds of change’ with our special guests, the writers Víctor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki. We have been hearing from them the different ways in which they faced in the past with their true identity and I have really had moments where it has been difficult to maintain composure. Their history is not only full of emotions and feelings but also of a reality that many people live around the world, with different facets, variables and perspectives that are worthy of analyzing and reflecting.

“Now, we continue with our space to keep knowing more about the life of our writers. Víctor, you have already told us how the transit from Victoria to Víctor was for you and the invaluable help of your sister, Denisse, was for you to make this change possible. On the screen, we are seeing a picture of you when you were fifteen and another five years later, in your twenties, when you presented your fourth book: ‘Ruby Diamond Secret’.”

“I must say that in any of my versions I’m very handsome,” they laughed together on the set. “That's right, Barbara, there I was in ballet. I was obliged to follow classes with my godmother Lilia, at the request of my parents, but I must admit that no matter how good in ballet I was, it was not primarily my worship. I liked ice skating better, the problem is that nobody let me participate without skirts.”

“Can I have an idea, Víctor. But the difference is quite remarkable. Was the treatment easy to take?”

“Nothing is further from reality than that, Barbara. The treatment seems simple in theory, but it is a long and often frustrating process. Sometimes, very often, I doubted that I could achieve my goal, but Denisse was there encouraging me and not letting me give up. That's how I became that adorable girl with long hair and a fake smile, to the young man they see on the right:  trustful , confident and happy to be who I am.”

“An inspiration without a doubt. And I'm surprised that Yuuri Katsuki, despite having started treatment years later, can say exactly the same. Now we can see a comparison between Yuuri Katsuki when her won the national youth karate championship alongside the photograph of one of her flamenco performances a year ago. The difference is overwhelming.”

“I was with her in that flamenco presentation!”

“Really?”

“In fact, I was his dance partner. It was fun and one of the things I've loved to share with Yuuri.”

“I’d have loved to see that picture!”

“You don’t ask me! But I have it on my mobile, we could look for it.”

“While you are doing this, Victor, I would love to hear from Yuuri what happened after you wet in the onsen of the Katsuki family. We have already heard from you everything that had meant your life locked up under the masculine identity and your efforts to cover that position. Also the moment when the letters began to be sent and what happened when you received from Victor the answer of one of your works. Then Victor appeared and you cried. Yuuri, what happened next?”

“Actually, I can't be sure what happened immediately after Victor appeared. I just remember that I could barely regain control, I got up and locked myself in my room waiting for him to leave.”

“Mari had to talk to me and explain Yuuri's situation. There I discovered that what was happening to the family was never a secret, but they didn't know how to help her. All they told me was: ‘Yuuri has always been like that. At the beginning, I got scared but now I'm scared because I feel that because of me, Yuuri has not been who she wanted to be.’ The Katsuki family loved their happy daughter, no matter what, but they didn't have the tools to help her. Then I decided that I should stay and that same night I spoke with Denisse.”

“What did you say her?”

“‘Sister, I need to stay and I need your help. Can you do one more thing for me?’”

“Everything sounds pretty amazing…”

“I know, Barbara, but something told me that staying was the best decision I could make at that time. I won’t say that Yuuri's letter gave me something back in life, or made me realize how alone I was. I know it happens but in my case, it wasn't about that. What I did notice is that there was something I had not considered until that moment, that I needed that new perspective on life and the world, because it would give me invaluable teaching.”

“And how did Yuuri take it?”

“Bad, very bad. I thought Victor would leave as soon as he rested, overwhelmed and disappointed to know the truth. Discovering that he had stayed filled me with large doses of anxiety. I didn't want to leave my room, I didn't want to see him or talk to him. When I saw that he insisted I became very aggressive.”

“I remember she yelled at me a lot, in tears. She told me that I should not stay and that this was not my place. It’s ironic to think about it because now I feel that I do not belong anywhere else than that where Yuuri is, but I must admit that at that moment I was not sure that I expected with all this. It was just a hunch he followed blindly.”

“You were in love, Víctor”

“I will not deny that I was very excited about the image that I formed of Yuuri in my head: a thin, long-haired, perhaps shy Japanese ... The truth is that it is a bit strange how our human mind works. I told myself many times that if I was fat I would not mind, if I was not so pretty physically either, or if I had a defect it would be the least. But I never imagined that I would find Yuuri in a male body. The fascinating thing was that I stopped thinking of Yuuri as the body, the container and everything that my head had taken care of drawing in the air. I thought of Yuuri as a person, the fascinating person who so sensitively analyzed my books, with whom I liked to share impressions and who was able to work wonders when writing when faced with our fears. Then I understood: I wanted to help Yuuri. As a person, as a human being, I wanted her to be able to feel good about herself and I had how to help her in the process because she knew especially what was going on.

“When I told her that, she looked at me completely scared. I could see the terror running through her veins and it hurt to see her like that. I tried to hug her, but she didn't let me. Then I could understand why. She felt that body didn't deserve hugs, that she couldn't feel them because it wasn't her own. I was so engrossed in that thought that I knew I wasn't going to do it alone.”

“To convince her to take the reassignment treatment?”

“No, it was never my intention to convince her to reassign sex. I think that is such a personal decision for me to intervene. All I wanted was for her to give herself the opportunity to see herself as she wanted to see herself, even if his body did not completely change the feminine, who could at least dress, move and live according to his identity.

“So what could you do?”

“We sought help with a specialist in Switzerland, the psychologist who attended me, and I planned virtual meetings between them, so Yuuri could speak without feeling directly observed. At some point, it started working. I was never aware of what they were talking about, but I saw improvements when Yuuri could spend more time by my side and I wondered how the change had been.”

“At the beginning it was difficult for me to get used to Victor, but suddenly it became very natural. We shared many moments together, even the onsen, although I felt sorry he insisted and insisted on facing his nakedness and seeing that it was possible to be what he wanted to be. We began to share what we wrote, even those things that did not go as we wanted or didn’t plan to publish; all those delusions of our heads read it and it was easier for me to trust him. I started to accompany him to exercise and my body felt much better when I could lose weight. He even taught me to skate and I had a lot of fun doing it. All this together with the constant conversation with Joseph, my psychologist, made me feel good for the first time in a long time.”

“I realized Yuuri was able to created music just knowing how to slip on the ice and, in a conversation, Minako told me about her beginnings in ballet. It was a boost, but I asked Yuuri to accompany me to a bar in Fukuoka, because I wanted to do something different and let her dress as best she felt comfortable. I was not surprised that it was with his typical shirts and wide pants, I just wanted to have fun together. We arrived at the bar, drank a little; Well, she more than me, I admit. But what I discovered was that Yuuri was a dance machine. I had to scare a lot of women who wanted to dance with her and I was at her side all night. There I knew how to help her: dancing.

“After talking with Joseph, I told him that after that night I had had an inspiration and had the story for another book, but I needed his help. The two protagonists would be dancers and, for that, I should take dance classes to be sure how to cover it. I chose two rhythms: flamenco and tango. With that in mind, I convinced her to look for an academy in Fukuoka and to accompany me.”

“He tricked me with that.”

“That’s no totally true,, I used it in ‘Ballad at midnight’. It was just a white lie.”

“Although I can't deny how much fun I had.”

“Dancing helped us a lot. Not only to get closer and to communicate better, but to feel like Yuuri was slowly emerging. Through dancing, she could be as feminine as she wanted to be and I, frankly, was falling in love more. This time not of an illusion, but of the real Yuuri who grew up as a brave Lily in the world, from which she began to allow herself to shave her eyebrows, legs, take care of herself more carefully and feel better. And while all this was happening, Christofer was working to have my books translated and serialized in Japan. The day everything was ready, I invited Yuuri with me to Tokyo, where we would sign the contract. I invited her out to my shopping side and gave her the first dress, taking advantage of her birthday.

“I know Yuuri had trouble dressing like she wanted to, but I took a chance. I chose everything: the accessories, the coat, I even bought makeup. I thanked that I had to learn how to put on makeup in the past, because now that would help me prepare Yuuri. I looked for something that would be consistent with her personality: reserved, but beautiful. I told her that my gift was to give her a night where she felt good. I just had to wait.

“Yuuri took the bags to the bathroom and locked herself there for a long time. I swear I had the impression that she would throw everything away when she spent half an hour and she didn't leave. But after an hour, I saw her appear. She was wearing the black dress that I bought, whose flowing skirt with the red bottom next to a long and sensual opening that gave a suggestive vision of her leg. It was special to dance. The sleeves were up to the wrists and left no cleavage, but it had transparency and rhinestones. Red heels and some pressure tendrils with red stones. I saw her and I was delighted, seeing her like this I just knew that I loved her. Yuuri told me that her short hair was wrong but I convinced her otherwise. She looked like a beautiful Parisian woman, with glamor and charm, along with an innocence of heart attack. She already had me at his feet.”

“I was sure, by then, that I loved you so much that it hurt, Victor. I couldn't believe you were still by my side after all those months.”

“How many months, Yuuri?”

“Almost eight months. When I saw myself in the mirror with my dress, I was anxious because I liked the way I looked, but at the same time I felt it was a mistake. Upon leaving, Victor looked at me with his eyes shining as if he were the most beautiful woman in the world. I felt like the protagonist of ‘Under the moon of Leningrad’ and all I could think about is: ‘I will not make your mistake. I will not refuse, I will not let it go. He asked me if I wanted to put on makeup, I told him that I never learned to really do it and he decided to help me. Soon, seeing me in the mirror, it was like finally seeing myself. I wanted to cry.”

“I asked her no because she would ruin her makeup.”

“I held on because I wanted to laugh more.”

“Her legs looked beautiful in that dress, strong for exercise and dancing, even feminine. I was honored to have her by my side. I adjusted the fur coat because it was cold and we went down together to where the taxi was waiting. That night we danced in anonymity, in the middle of a track where nobody knew us, looking us in the eye, touching us, feeling us. We were free and it was good to be. No matter what the world believed of us, we were happy like that. That day, I knew I was happy because I loved her, and I could see that feeling in her, so clear, that that first kiss was just a confirmation. I already knew it and I was happy to check it out. She loved me.”

“A beautiful memory of the first kisses together…”

“Yes... and whether the next day, at noon, we would meet Chris, I asked Victor to return to the clothing store. That morning I felt that it was time, that I wanted to see me in the mirror as I felt I should see me. After that night, I feel it was like opening a shell. Already my current ‘me’ was not enough, I had to change.”

“‘I got tired of hiding’ she told me. I made a conscious effort not to cry. And of course, I took her to the store I like the most, helped her try on dozens of clothes and shared one of the most precious moments in my life. I never thought I would enjoy buying women's clothes as much as I did at that time.”

“Victor kept telling me: ‘You are beautiful, Yuuri, a beautiful woman.’ For the first time after so many months, I didn't feel that what I listening was wrong. I prepared to introduce myself to Chris, who would meet us at the restaurant of the hotel where he was staying, and I was afraid he would see me wrong. I used a set that I chose from what we bought and tried to look safe.”

“Ah, I remember it! A pretty pink flower blouse and a trendy jean. You looked beautiful, honey.”

“I can imagine ... So, Yuuri?”

“Then, when we met, Victor introduced me saying: ‘Chris, she is Yuuri, the horror writer I have told you. Don't you think she’s very beautiful?’ I remember Chris looking at me, then he looked at Victor and when he looked back he did it with a glow of acceptance that closed my throat. He took my hand, kissed my back and said: ‘Nice to meet you, Yuuri. If it weren't because I know you're accompanied, right now I would be inviting you out.’”

“It is a flirtatious remedy!”

“I liked him very much since the first time we met! And when Chris said he had gotten the Zamara publishing house, which had the exclusivity of Victor's works, also edited my books. I was speechless.”

“I must also say that he’s an indescribable genius. He knew I would not return to Switzerland unless I went with Yuuri and he accomplished that without me doing anything. He reached an agreement with the Japanese publisher Mikuso and made this possible. A very smart exchange.”

“And that's how I went to Switzerland with Victor, leaving my family to find my dream. It was incredibly simple for me to see myself as I wanted to see myself in the mirror. Dressing up, putting on makeup, letting my hair grow and leaving that shell to have a new one. A couple of months later, I started researching hormonal treatment and decided to start it. Now I think of everything we had to go through, everything we fought to achieve, and it seems incredible that so many years have passed since that.”

“So many years, Yuuri? We are talking about all this happening…”

“Four years ago. Three years ago I started treatment, so only until last year did I dare to go out to the public again. The process was long and often overwhelming. Several times I tried to give up, I was tired, I felt that I would never make it and that I saw no improvement. But if one day I thought about abandoning it, the next six I tried harder. I didn't want to give up… I didn't want to do it.”

Dancing continued to accompany us. We keep doing it together when we start our life in Switzerland and it has been a constant that we still have. Actually, I’m delighted with the way we have lived our lives and although it has been quite hard, I wouldn’t change any of it.”

“I must assume you began your life as a couple in Switzerland.”

“Not at all. Yuuri needed time to dock and adapt herself, so even though we lived in the same apartment, we were in separate rooms. Especially at the beginning of the treatment for her it was difficult and there were moments where she wanted loneliness, but as we were moving forward that barrier collapsed.”

“To be honest, there was no time when both had asked the other to be a couple. It just happened. We both knew it and that was enough. One day, suddenly, Victor started calling me his girlfriend and I started calling him my boyfriend, and so it has been until then.”

“It’s amazing to hear it now. So by the time this dinner happened, were your dating or not?”

“Yes, we were. Yuuri and I already behave as such.”

“But the rings you wear on your hands... are matching, aren't they?”

“According to Yuuri they are good luck! She gave them to me when she started the hormonal treatment in Switzerland.”

“It’s impressive the change that can be seen in Yuuri compared to the image of when practicing karate. At this dinner, it was the presentation of the new books of Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki, in an event in Tokyo, and the first official departure of Yuuri as author in the media. I must say that Yuuri looks divine in that costume of designer Patrick Juver, a piece of rhinestones that covers practically his entire body until he falls into a beautiful mermaid tail.”

“I also look very handsome in that Emporio Armani suit!”

“Of course, Victor! You look very handsome, both look amazing in these photographs revealed in all major media in Japan, Switzerland and America. How was the response you received to this great revelation?”

“My intention was to show the world who Yuuri really was, as she always managed to see herself. So, for that reason, at that moment we did not reveal our relationship, although we had to go out days later to confirm it to avoid letting go of those bad intentions. The response was quite aggressive, Yuuri's classmates recognized her and wanted to defame her. They began to release images of their student days in social networks, blogs and forums, until everything became a huge snowball, which I feared would end up crushing it. But Yuuri, again, showed me her strength.”

“Although it hurt, all that fear I still felt (and feel), turned into words again. I wrote the script for the horror movie ‘Cursed Masks’ for the NHK chain, and now it’s waiting for budget approval because the idea really pleased me. I've been hidden for a long time, I don't want to stay the same.”

“That is, even though you finally managed to become the Yuuri you wanted, you still write terror.”

“Terror never dies, not as long as hate feeding him.”

“We’re surrounded by many people who are aware of our genitality, as if what we had inside our skirts or pants were something capable of changing their lives. As if that modified the fact that we are woman and man and how we have decided to live like this, and as if that were enough to measure our abilities, talents and possibilities in our field of writing. We have been victims of repression, hatred and intolerance. We do not ask people to understand who we are or how we feel, just to treat us as human beings. Because, beyond man or woman, that is us: people.”

“Do you consider that your transit to be Victor and Yuuri is over?”

“No, it isn’t over. The transit that Victor and I are doing is a journey that we will continue along our entire lives. Hormone therapy never ends, we must always be evaluated to verify its effects and measure doses. On top of that, we will have to continue to face the world with what we are and listen in response to what they believe we should be.”

“It doesn't matter if we see each other as a man or as a woman, they will always look for that detail that ‘is missing’. What we cannot change. To be honest, this isn’t something that is limited to us for being transsexual, the human being will do it with everyone; even if they are women or cisgeneros men, even they are judged if they do not meet certain standards of beauty or roles that someone once created.”

“How to judge a man as little ‘manly’ for his passion for ballet…”

“Or believe that a woman is more feminine if she wears makeup. The truth, who decides how you want to express yourself? It doesn’t even have to do with sex, they are a lot of variables and conditions that only a small percentage of society meets, and what does the rest represent? There isn't, that's why: being sure of who we are is the only way to deal with intolerance.”

“That's why ‘You love you’ is born. Where did this beautiful name come from?”

“Well, Barbara, it was Yuuri’s idea. One morning, I remember I woke up and prepared to cook something light for breakfast. I took the tray with breakfast to her room and found her awake, curled up with the sheets, covering and crying. It’s normal for very strong crises during treatment, including depression. Yuuri was afraid that the treatment had come too late and was frustrated to see no immediate effects.

“By then, saying I love you was as natural as calling us by our names, because it was already part of us. I set aside breakfast, lay with her on the bed and hugged her to tell her that everything was fine, and I loved her. We all loved her: her parents, her sister, her friends and her teacher, me, even Chris who said she was more fulfilled with the times than me. She was surrounded by love.

“Then Yuuri asked me: ‘And I love myself?’. That question left me speechless for several minutes. Do we love each other by forcing our body to become what we believe it should be? Do we love each other for going against what our biological nature says? I thought about it… But what do ice skaters do when they force their feet to bleed to jump? Isn't it the same thing an athlete does that forces his joints to greater levels of flexibility to be a gymnast? The woman who decides to increase her breasts because she wants to feel better? The man who decides to include himself in a superhuman effort to build his muscles? To love the body is to love ourselves? Or love ourselves is having the courage to follow our heart, knowing that nothing we are doing hurts or violates anyone else's wishes?

“All human beings face the dilemma of wanting to make changes to feel better. Some much more subtle like makeup, profile eyebrows or haircuts. Other more drastic as having a plastic surgery. No one should tell you what the limit is, the limit is only personal. No one should tell you when it's enough, only you can know. When I could think about that, letting silence accompany us, I told Yuuri: ‘You love yourself. You love yourself so much that you are willing to fight to feel happy.”

“It’s beautiful…”

“That was how the idea of ‘You love you’ was born. I talked to Denisse, told her about my idea and in a matter of nothing Chris wanted to intervene. We are looking for a marketing and design team for the brand and we begin to found the organization that today gathers more than seven thousand members in Europe and three thousand in Asia, receiving free advice and support through our telephone lines and internet media. But, at the beginning, what I wanted was to show Yuuri that my process was also long and also show it to the world. I encouraged her to talk about it to others and participate in our program to feel accompanied in the world.”

“Since Victor and I started ‘You love you’, we have been looking for labels to stop separating and rather serve to unite. It's not about being transsexual, asexual, gay, straight or bisexual. It is about all the people who need for a moment, feel that they can love themselves. What you are, your identity or sexual orientation, shouldn’t be a limit. Understanding that the basis of everything is the love and acceptance we can have in us is crucial.”

“Not accepting what we consider is wrong and that we can fix it. It isn’t resigning ourselves to being what we do not want to be.”

“It’s about accepting what we can change and seeking to find that synchrony between our expectations and our reality. Turn what we see in our dreams into something tangible.”

“I’m deeply admired and moved to hear you. The passion with which you relate your life and your dreams are worthy of being heard by the world.”

“We live our life with deep passion, Barbara. I can't think of another way to live it, much less now that I have Yuuri by my side.”

“I can feel it. It's something that is so obvious that I don't think anyone on the set has any doubts about it. We are now presenting some photographs of your outings after that debut in Japan. You have not spared in being photographed at every book fair, charity events or even when you get out of hand to have a normal day and are pursued by a journalist. You have become practically an icon of the moment.”

“If this makes possible for more people to understand what we live and feel, for Yuuri and I, share that attention is fine.”

“Well, it still overwhelms me so much attention.”

“We just want them to know that our work reflects a lot of what we feel and live in the world. After all, we remain just a couple of people found on the road, who managed to understand that continuing the road together would make us happy. Because together we get stronger and we are able to achieve everything.”

“Do you love Yuuri?”

“With every part of my existence.”

“Anf you, Yuuri? Do you love Víctor?”

“I love even the things that sometimes I don't tolerate from him.”

“That’s so cruel, honey!”

“Barbara looked at the dynamics of the couple with enthusiasm, noticing the moment when Victor took Yuuri's hand to kiss her and she blushed tenderly, still seeing her eyes with deep adoration. The rings shone, offending the conservative world with its existence.”

“I’m deeply happy for everything I have heard and I know that for our viewers too. It’s a pity that our space is over. However, we want to show on screen the contact numbers of 'You love you' foundation, its website and social networks, where you can learn more about the initiative and see step by step the change of Yuuri and Victor to become who they should be.

“Before saying goodbye, Yuuri Katsuki, would you like to say something to close?”

“Well ... I want to encourage everyone who isn't afraid to say what they really feel in their hearts. I know it is difficult and many times there is fear, but I am sure there is someone nearby, even one person, who will make all that weight much more bearable.”

“Like your parents…”

“That’s right.”

“Toshiya was happy because, at least, one of her daughter was the female of the house!”

“And a great beauty! Thank you Yuuri, for your beautiful words, I’m sure that many will feel that it’s time to speak. Victor, something you want to say to close the program?”

“More to say, it is something I want to do.” He turned to his partner, who looked at him with interest as the camera focused on her, ”Yuuri, you're right in saying that I never asked you to be my girlfriend, that everything came up spontaneously and fluidly, and the truth is: I don't regret that. I love that our relationship has developed that way, so naturally that I cannot think of a different life if it isn’t by your side; but you know, I'm a hopeless romantic and it couldn't be different when I have almost twenty romance books published.”

“Víctor…”

Seeing him get up from the furniture to push his knee to the floor, there was a gathering of the air that was general. Barbara and Yuuri put their hands to their lips, overwhelmed by the same event, while a distant sigh escaped Danielle's lips and Giorgio nodded. The rest of those present could not take their eyes off the moment, Lucas instructed the camera to move and showed himself the moment in which Victor, from his jacket, removed that box and showed the ring before his girlfriend's eyes of gold with a sapphire announcing the engagement.

“Yuuri... would you marry me, with all those things that you sometimes don't tolerate from me?”

“Y-you ... you'll never stop surprising me,” she murmured with a bright look and Victor smiled at him with a calm full of happiness.

“That's what I am looking for…”

“P-Phichit will get angry because we didn't give him the exclusive…”

“I'll give him the wedding one... then?”

“Y-yes… Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!”

The emotional moment was immortalized by the cameras, when Yuuri hugged his partner tightly, having received the ring on the index finger of his right hand, next to the one they already shared.

Barbara had to end a quick farewell while controlling the euphoria that filled her chest. Actually, she just wanted somebody to give the cut to be able to congratulate the engaged couple and know the details (if they were willing to give it) of the new union. All members of the program approached to congratulate them and many were encouraged to take pictures with both. Everything happened as it should be: without the stigma of who was male or female, just enjoying the love that did not find enough barriers to be stopped.

For the night, everyone was celebrating as they had promised, now with one more reason to celebrate. The wedding that would take place in Barcelona was a fact and they would be invited, then the details arrived, at that moment all they wanted was to enjoy that moment.

At that point, Barbara had already danced with the couple and also with Louis and Georgio, while they shared cocktails and laughed in the middle of the dance floor. Already tired after the long day, she sat at the table where Lucas was watching everything and asked the waiter for some water. Her feet hurt and she was very sweaty, the truth was already weighing the time to rest. While she drank the glass served, Barbara looked at the engaged couple with fascination. They were the owners of the tracks and nobody stopped to judge them, they didn't even imagine who they really were and they danced fluently, fluently, laughing as they flirted. It was an envy to see them so happy. There, she could not help remembering that last question she asked Victor, before saying goodbye, having agreed to meet at the restaurant. Nor is the smile with which he accompanied his response.

_ “What would have happened if upon meeting Yuuri, still being a man, you had still been in a woman's body? Would something have changed?” _

“What are you thinking about, Barbara?”, Lucas asked, looking tired now. The aforementioned smiled calmly as she looked with a sparkle in her eyes at the two writers.

“In the wrong that there are many concepts of love and identity in the world.”

Lucas looked at her without understanding, but for Barbara it had become clear, as clear as the color of Victor's eyes when he replied:

_ “I don't think it would have changed much, because I'm sure that together we would have started the way to be who we really are. After all, how can you love someone if you don't love yourself?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> He we are with another chapter, I hope you enjoy it and fall in love the same way I fell in love with this story. Please let me know if you find something wrong or any detail into the traslation. I'll appreciete a lot!
> 
> The next chapter will be the last!
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> xoxo


	4. Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> As you saw, although the last chapter was the end of the fic, that time Akira made a call for readers to ask Victor and Yuuri their questions and send all their love.
> 
> The dynamic was very fun and, as a result of this activity, this special chapter was born.
> 
> We hope you enjoy it! All questions were asked with the greatest respect and provided a very interesting feedback.

Yuuri's dress is flowered, the skirt falls straight to her knees and the design of purple and blue orchids blends into the white background, covering her breasts with elegance and looking simple. Two beautiful orchid tendrils adorn her ears and the same design choker jealously surrounds her neck. White sandals dress her white feet and her nails are painted a soft pink tone. The hair is straight, without any adornment, black and shiny, and its blue-framed lenses frame her placid face.

Victor, on the other hand, wears an electric blue suit and a white shirt. A purple rose dresses the sack as an ornament and its brown moccasins shine on the wooden floor. Barbara, dressed in a simple ocher Indian-style dress, looks at them with love as she has them on the set again.

“I had an important question for you,” Barbara looks at them carefully, while holding a series of booklets in her hands. The couple of writers lie comfortably sitting on the sofa in front of her, holding hands and proudly wearing the pair of rings next to the engagement ring in Yuuri's palm, “I think we are many who want to know your answer. Given your experiences: what is it for you to be a woman?”

“Wow! What an unexpected question!,” everyone laughs at the rhythm of Victor's laugh.

“Victor and I have questioned that definition a lot,” Yuuri explains with moderation, while his hand is caressed by Víctor, “And in fact, we were wrong to answer it many times.”

“It is natural when being a woman has been the subject of our whole life and a point of definition that we could not ignore.”

“Many times, when we question our identity with our physical or biological characteristics, it falls into that hole where there are no certainties and everything becomes opinions. But some time ago, while we discussed together once again, I think we found our answer.”

“In fact I already had a more formed definition before meeting Yuuri, but being with her allowed me to make more sense and understand that there’s something very simple in the definition, more than many want to see.”

“I’m dying to know!,” Barbara intervenes sincerely intrigued. Yuuri and Victor look at each other with complicity and then, is Yuuri who takes up the word.

“Being a woman is a label that is placed to identify us when a person begins to show physical or biological characteristics that were already determined as feminine. Even in intersex people, we look for what are the prevailing characteristics to define whether it is male or female. That is the first of the labels we receive in our concession, in addition to our nationality or our last name. But that label, like our last name and our nationality, is something we could not choose and comes with a historical and cultural burden with it.”

“As children we need an identity, but also the openness to abandon the one that we were chosen at the beginning and appropriate the one that most identifies with our feelings. That’s called forming our identity. I was born as a woman, I had characteristics that identified me as a woman for society, for medicine, and so I could go on naming. But I decided that the label that chance bequeathed me was something that did not identify me and I decided to travel the traffic to get rid of it. As if changing nationality.”

“Change of nationality,” Barbara underlines those words while looking at them carefully, “It’s a very simple way to see it.”

“Do you think so?” Victor questions with a slight smile, “In my experience it is not that easy.”

“I’m interested in hearing it.”

“The first identity I received was the following: Victoria Ivannova Nikiforova. A woman, a Russian citizen, daughter of Ivan Nikiforov and offspring of her last name. With these identities came endless implications: as a Russian woman, the stigma that Russian society has for women, along with all their duties and rights. As a Russian citizen, all the historical, cultural and civic burden. Like Nikiforov, all the historical, cultural and sentimental burden of being part of my family. It’s a large amount of background that serves as the basis for forming the identity of a new person in the world, and the lack or abundance of it in a child can have different consequences.

“We as Russians have in our history something in particular, which, perhaps, many would not identify. When the USSR fell, in addition to all the political and economic problems that came, we had to go through a major identity crisis. There were Russian citizens in the countries that formed the USSR and were left out of the Russian federation, and in turn, we had different citizens (Georgians, Lithuanians, Kazakhs, to name a few), who were within the Russian federation. Who were the Russians? Those who were born within the new Russian borders? The children of Russians who lived outside the Russian border? Those who identified with Russia, their beliefs, their language and religion despite being born in Lithuania, Belarus or Georgia? Those who grew up in the federation despite having different customs? Even a different word was created to identify foreigners within Russia, who were part of the USSR, as a way to alleviate the identity crisis that a large population experienced.

“As Russians, we are very jealous with our history and our identity. Proud of our roots, our history, our culture and our art. From a young age they teach us to see everything we are with national love, to identify ourselves with the strength that has allowed us to endure over time despite famines, wars and disasters. To long for what we were and to recreate with more force what we can be. And I always considered myself Russian, however, not only was I faced with the identity of being a woman and feeling like a man. I also had to face my identity as Ivan's daughter, part of the Nikiforov family and as a Russian. And I had to leave both, in order to leave my label as a woman.”

“That sounds ... awfully hard,” Barbara whispers and Victor nods.

“It was. When I went to Switzerland, I was certain I could no longer be called ‘Ivan's daughter’ and I probably couldn’t be ‘Ivan's son’ either. And not only that, but now, besides being Russian, in Switzerland I would become an immigrant. Going from being a national to a foreigner, with the ease of crossing a line ... I realized then that the labels are so fragile, so diaphanous, that it is absurd to think that the labels that describes you at the beginning are forever. And that everyone has the right to even create their own definition of them as appropriate.

“Two years ago, for example, I had the opportunity to declare myself a Swiss citizen. Fortunately, Switzerland accepts dual citizenship, so I didn't have to deny my Russian nationality, but if I had faced that, it means that it doesn't matter if I was born in Russia, that I have Russian parents, a completely Russian education, with fluent speaking and writing Russian, because if I meet a series of requirements I can be… Swiss. But, to be Swiss, I repeat, I had to meet some conditions that the Swiss state implemented. We could call that: the classic Swiss stereotype. Because to be Swiss, it isn’t enough, and look how interesting this is, Barbara, it is not enough to have been born within Swiss territory.”

“It's like saying that because you were born with feminine characteristics, you are not a woman,” Yuuri intervenes and Victor agrees to it.

“That's right, and I'm talking about a reality. To be Swiss you must have been born with Swiss blood and being born in Switzerland does not give you the right to be a Swiss citizen. And for a foreigner to be Swiss, it isn’t enough to have lived for ten or twelve years within the territory. You have to speak one of your languages fluently and also have knowledge of "Swiss reality and Swiss history". How do you measure that? The process is quite fantastic, but basically they tell you: you have to be a Swiss real. You have to have welcomed Swiss history and culture to be Swiss, just as I welcomed Russian history and culture at birth in Russia. Again, the label brings with it a historical and cultural burden that we cannot avoid. And it’s part of the identity of that label.”

“I feel as you are opening my eyes to a new brand world.” said Barbara, fascinated, “The way you explain it…”

“It’s something that has cost us a lot of time for reflection, debate and empathy,” Yuuri expresses with a contagious calm. “As a Japanese woman, the meaning of being born in Japan and having Japanese blood is also strong. It’s all our historical and cultural burden, we are also proud of our roots, who we are, who we were and who we can be. Our gastronomy, our art, our history, our warriors, everything is very important for us. However, obtaining the Japanese degree today is far from what it was like to obtain it several decades ago and is far from what it was to be before the Meiji era, for example. The label remains the same, but obtaining it has become a progressive change, from Japan that didn’t accept the opening to Japan today.”

“Like being a man or a woman, the definition of what it’s to be a man or a woman, gender, has also changed over the years. It has a real historical and cultural burden that we shouldn’t forget, to do so is to despise all that it has cost us to be what we are now. I cannot deny that I was born as a woman, although I identify myself as a man, because my body still has characteristics identified as feminine; But that does not invalidate what I am now.”

“Like the fact that you are still Russian, despite having Swiss nationality and living in Switzerland,” Barbara points out.

“And that I’m still a Swiss citizen, that I belong to the Swiss community, I have duties and rights within the Swiss state despite being born in Russia. And I could completely deny my Russian nationality, give up that nationality, if I want to, and nobody can deny it to me. There is no law that prevents me from abandoning being Russian if being Russian stops identifying me.”

“It is fascinating…”

“I know, Barbara, it's fascinating when we understand that it's all about this.”

“Victor is an atypical Russian, he doesn't like Borch,” Yuuri suddenly bounded, with a tender and bright smile that illuminated his brown eyes. Victor laughs, squeezes his hand and watches him with overflowing love.

“And I could say that Yuuri is a 100% Japanese girl because she likes katsudon.” Victor's gaze goes to Barbara with an accomplice gesture. “Is that so?

“I would think not!,” Barbara immediately argues, “I don't like hot dog and it's an American classic!”

“Imagine that every year, the state decided to study all American citizens, with a compendium of questions about what you like or don't like, to decide whether or not to take away American nationality,” Yuuri suggests and Barbara carries her right hand under her chin thoughtfully, “It would be chaos.”

“A mad thing”

“Identifications that say you are 10%, 20%, 50% American. Or worse, you are half American, you are almost American, you need to be an American.”

“No, it would be impossible!” Barbara exclaims at the possibility.

“In the same way, it sounds unheard of that depending on a series of tastes or behaviors, let's define if someone is less or more woman or man,” Victor argues naturally, “The vision of what it’s to be Swiss, what it’s to be Russian, what it’s to be a man or woman who have some, obey stereotypes that, in the end, do not define a single person. And this concept is so variable, so broad, that we cannot lock ourselves into thinking that it is only the one we have in mind. My vision of being a woman is far from yours, Barbara, but what is unfair is that I judge you under my vision and decide to annul your identity simply because you do not cover my concept of being a woman.”

“That’s why we need to continue working so that the state allows us, in the same way that we have opened up the possibilities that people can define ourselves with the nation we want covering with the agreed conditions, also define ourselves in the sex we want. That will give us tools to be respected and not annulled in the different rights we have, regardless of being male or female.”

“Or even not identify with either or both, either because genetics decided to do so, or because we have decided so.”

“Rights we have just for being people.”

“Rights that nobody can deny us.”

“Regardless of the rest: the parents we had, the country where we were born, the sex with which we were identified, belief, education and so on.”

“I love the way you can interrupt yourselves without losing the idea, as if you were connected in one,” Barbara points to them stunned, “It's ... so amazing and inspiring. As much as it is to listen to all this. But what you say, of the state allowing the tool, then I would have to define what it is that enters into being a woman or being a man in order to identify ourselves. We return to the question,” admit with concern, “What is being a woman?”

“It’s to identify you as one,” Víctor responds, “It’s taking that label and welcoming it as part of your personality. That’s being a woman to me. How do you want to express it? It depends on you, it depends on the models you take of what it’s to be a woman, it depends on your tastes, your mentality and your ideals. But what I do think you should welcome, is all the historical and cultural burden of being a woman, so you can transform it into your own version of being one.”

“And… and for you, Yuuri?,” Barbara gives him a look full of emotion, “What’s being a woman?”

“For me, being a woman is being strong like my mother, who had the courage to see her son leave forever and then take in a new daughter,” Yuuri's bright eyes look at him with deep love, “It’s being brave like my sister, to face all those who have come to the house asking about me and for living as she has decided to live in spite of society. It’s being able like my teacher Minako, who above what the world said was and toured the world for her dream. She also sought to protect mine. It’s to inspire as Denisse, Victor's sister, for being a source of love, courage and understanding for all who have come to know her. It’s being empathetic like you, Barbara, who from the beginning you have shown me your incredible sensitivity by listening to us without judging us and your deep desire to give your grain of sand to the world.” Barbara covers her trembling lips when listening to her and swallows thickly, her eyes wet, “Thank you for allowing us to be here and give us the ability to raise our voice.”

“I'm so moved…” Barbara can't help it, tears flowed down her makeup cheeks and she rushes to dry them.

“You have become one of those women models that inspire me to continue building who Yuuri is and what is the definition of woman I want to build in me.”

“Yuuri and I hope that one day, in the world, to identify with sex will no longer be necessary than for medical terms, just as we hope that nationalities will no longer be important to define ourselves and we can be citizens of the world. The differences cease to exist. But, while that happens, we have to continue working so that we can all help the states so that they can create the tools that protect us regardless of our choice.

“So that each one of us can live the definition of being or not being without taking away our rights.”

“Because being Russian doesn't make me socialist.”

“Not for being Japanese should I like natto.”

“But, despite being Swiss, I still love classical Russian music.”

“And, despite being a woman, I enjoy more horror works.”

“The human being is too complex and full of contradictions to think that there is only one label. That’s the fascinating thing about existing and knowing other people, of embracing differences, loving particularities and accepting that no one is equal to another.”

“When we achieve that: love each being for what he is individually and respect each one for being people, we take another step towards inclusion.”

“And do you think we are getting closer to that?”

“I think there are several states that are beginning to broaden their definition of being male or female to give openness to people who were not born with the sex that identifies us.” Victor intervenes, “And perhaps, for many, the definition and the process remains cumbersome, arbitrary and humiliating, but exists, and little by little as it becomes customary to find ourselves in society, these mechanisms will change. The idea is to get to the point that it becomes something natural.”

“It’s an everyday struggle, demanding our rights to the state, and becoming visible in society. Victor and I believe that by accepting this label of not only being a man and a woman, but transgender people, they give us all the historical weight of their struggle, their fears, their hopes, to identify and show us with it.”

“Everything you have said is incredible and I think I can not agree more: Being a man or being a woman is identifying as one and simply choosing the way to live that identity depending on the definition you form of it. I think it is an important revelation and worth remembering.” Barbara sums up, having dried the tears and managed to calm down. Victor and Yuuri look calm and complicit before her.” Our viewers also left some questions, I will take the liberty of asking them with emotion waiting for their answers.

“I am also excited to know what they say.”

“Mariboo asks us: In the world there are people who sadly do not have friends or family by their side to support them, either to face their sexual orientation or to be "different" from the rest due to other circumstances, how can you look for acceptance and self-esteem when they feel alone and non-existent in the world?”

“Well…” Yuuri responds, “The truth is that we are never alone in the world, because we have the most important person living day to day with us, and we are ourselves. That is why it’s so important to learn to love us, reconcile with us and accept us, because in that way, that loneliness disappears. It becomes our most powerful weapon. When you value yourself, you recognize the weight of your existence, the importance it has and become the owner of your world. And that is the first step to frighten loneliness.

“In my experience, I felt what it is to be really alone when I stopped accepting myself to the point of detaching myself from the world. It is absolute loneliness. And this persisted despite having people by my side who wanted to help me. As long as I kept thinking I didn't deserve it and had little value, I was unable to recognize those lights around me. It was when I began to forgive myself and accept that I could recognize them, not only to Victor, for example, but to my family and friends. People who love themselves attract love, it’s inevitable.

“So I encourage you to see yourself in the mirror, recognize who you are, name yourself and give yourself weight in life to start feeling love. To love you And only when we love each other are we able not only to love, but to see the love of others towards us.”

“It's a beautiful answer, Yuuri. Thank you,” The aforementioned inclined her head gently, in response, “Diana Nikiforov, ask the following question for you, Yuuri.

“Wow! I have a lost cousin!” Victor greets the camera, “Hi, beautiful!”

“How do you feel that Viktor is by your side and I don't abandon you for anything in the world?”

“It feels like having obtained the most precious treasure in the universe. Victor is the most wonderful thing that I have achieved in my life, my partner, my soulmate, my friend, my confidant. It makes me feel fortunate to have been able to match him.”

“And we have no doubt how much you love him, Yuuri.” She blushes copiously and smiles.

“In fact, I love seeing you blushing, honey.”

“And I have a question for you, Victor. Also by Diana Nikiforov.”

“Hi, cousin!,” Say it again and the set laughs with grace.

“How do you think your life would be like if you hadn't taken the time to read Yuuri's letter?”

“Every time I ask myself that question, I asked me how difficult it’s to build a machine, like in the universe of comics, to reach those other dimensions and tell that poor me to read all the letters that come because the love of his life it is there?”

“God, Víctor!” Yuuri grumbles out loud.

“Is seriously! I’m able to buy it in order to make sure that all the Victor who live in the multiverses know you! ‘Yuuri looks at him with infinite love, containing another laugh between her rosy, round cheeks.’ Victor winks, flirtatious. I won’t say that I would be an unhappy man, because I really was not before I met you, Yuuri. But you have made sense of so many things in my life that I can't, I really can't, see a life without knowing you.”

“I think I represent the whole audience by saying that we want to record a kiss,” On the set he begins to applaud everyone present while chanting: kiss, kiss, kiss. Yuuri gets nervous, immediately blushes and tries to say that it is not necessary but Victor soon embraces her and seeks to kiss her. In the first attempt, he’s content to leave it on her cheeks when he sees how Yuuri writhes in his arms, but then, when they look at each other, it is Yuuri who approaches to leave a short one on his lips, “God, you’re so adorable!,” Exclamations wrap the set between laughter and jubilant sounds. We have another question from Diana Nikiforov, this time for both. Victor continues to hold Yuuri under his arm, both more comfortable on the furniture, “How do you feel the two of you are together even though there are still people who see your relationship or your identity as something sick and out of the ordinary?”

“We feel protagonists of our own history,” Victor responds fluently, “As writers, we both know that the most memorable protagonists are those who face the toughest moments but grow, develop and manage to impose themselves before them. This is how we feel, and that gives us strength to continue until we write the final point of our story.”

“It’s a great way to see it,” praise Barbara with admiration, “Jinsuika asks both of you: How much has social networks and cyberbullying affected you?”

“At first it affected me a lot,” Yuuri confesses, “People rely on anonymity to say horrible things without having the slightest consideration. It was difficult to evade them when, in addition, they multiply. It's like hearing thousands of voices in your head, all judging... But I understood a truth: the more silence we make, the louder those voices are heard. We need to talk.

“My experience with You love you is that the more we have become visible, the more we have found the support of many people around the world. And all this is able to overshadow those who mock and use this medium to intimidate us. There’s more love than hate, at least that is what I have come to understand.”

“I’m glad to know you have achieved a way to defend yourself against all this.”

“It was difficult, a process that especially Yuuri and I had to face with courage. But as she says, we have found more support than hate on the road because cowardly people, by nature, always fold back when the brave is there.”

“It is an interesting way to see it. I have another question for Yuuri, from Fireefloweer, although I think what we talked about before answers it: Did Yuuri (male) consider you your enemy or just another victim of hatred and ignorance?”

“Yuuri is the sum of everything I've been since I was born, both when I was a man, and now that I’m a woman. It is not my enemy, it is my ally, it is the sign that I decided the right thing.”

“Wonderful answer, Yuuri.” Barbara checks her booklets, “Victor, Sharayanime asks, referring to your process to stop being Victoria: If you were given the opportunity to relive this scene in your life... Would you repeat the process again even knowing the consequences?”

“Without peradventure,” he answers with confidence, “I would do it because if I’m aware of the consequences, I must be certain that happiness and acceptance awaits me.”

“Thanks for answering us, Victor. Icanus leaves us another question for you: When Yuuri kissed you for the first time, did you feel that Yuuri was also accepting herself (or rather that she had had some confidence) by daring to take that step?”

“I definitely felt it was a sign that it was being accepted. The security and confidence that Yuuri must have felt at that moment with herself, was what allowed her to express to me what I already knew. And I must confess to you that I was happier to think that Yuuri looked like a beautiful woman, rather than knowing I reciprocated.”

“You should have felt very fulfilled.” Víctor nods.

“Yuuri's happiness will always be among my priorities.”

“It’s very nice to hear it. Yuuri, here we have a question from Icanus too: How was the moment when you finally accepted yourself and could give yourself the opportunity to try to share more moments with Victor as a couple?”

“It wasn't just a moment.” Yuuri licks her pink lips before continuing, “There were many moments, small steps, many awkwardly and insecurely, but they all felt like jumping into the void without a parachute. So scared ... so worried. Victor had to have a lot of patience with me, but as I felt more comfortable with how he looked and my new identity, it was easier to take those steps that before meant a great challenge.”

“Now she never ceases to amaze me.” Victor notes, looking at her with deep love. Yuuri looks back at him with traces of shame. “Seeing Yuuri on this road has been like admiring how the caterpillar gave way to the butterfly.”

“And surely you have such beautiful memories of those moments,” Barbara adds and the couple smiles complicitly. “I have another question for Yuuri, from Josephine RC: Yuuri, have all your fears dissipated? What is Yuuri afraid of now?”

“Well, although I have overcome many fears that I had before, it’s true that others have also arrived. Every time we hear about a story where trans women were killed by simple hatred appear, I’m afraid. Every time I see the way in which media abuse is minimized, I’m afraid. I fear being part of that story, I'm scared to star in it and, every day, I have to fight against it,” Victor holds her hand firmly, “Calling me a woman has also brought the fear that every woman feels: insecurity in a society that still considers us weak…”

“Even with your martial art training…” Barbara looks at her with absolute understanding.

“That's right, I don't feel safer because I was born with a man's body, nor because I had the formation of self-defense. Not while the violence continues to be glorified and the victims blamed.”

“Yuuri and I want this situation to improve.”

“I join your desire, Victor.” Barbara picks up the primer, “I have another question for you, from Irina23 _04: What was the worst thing they told you?”

“I have been told many terrible things, like freak, degenerate, woman without sex, frigid, sick. But I think the worst thing they told me was on a subway line in Moscow: I was visiting my parents, I was going to the red square and I met an old friend of my parents, who saw me since I was a child. He approached, recognized me, looked at me with disgust and said: ‘You’ll kill your mother from grief.’ It was the worst because Mom didn't want to see me and had days crying after seeing my change. I will not deny that I left there wanting to lock myself up and cry.”

“She already accepts you, doesn't she?,” Víctor nods, “It’s easy to judge from the outside and condemn.”

“I can't blame her, but I admit it hurt.”

“I imagine, but fortunately, the understanding came for your family... I have a new question for Yuuri. The amount of questions that came to us is amazing! It has been a challenge to select them!”

“Victor and I are pleased to answer.”

“IsaGloria says: I hope it doesn't sound strong but I want to ask you this question. Who is Yuuri?” Barbara looks at the aforementioned to give her the floor.

“Yuuri is a happy woman, married to a wonderful man, next to loving relatives and friends who have supported me for many years,” The calm with which he expresses reveals his conviction, “A woman who is the protagonist of her own story of love, acceptance and reconciliation in overcoming terror.”

“And the most beautiful woman my eyes have seen, with respect to all the beautiful women in the world.” Victor adds with fun and Yuuri blushes again.

“There’s no doubt that she is a beautiful woman. I love your style, Yuuri!”

“Thanks, Barbara”.

“We now have this question for Victor and…” Barbara laughs when reading the booklet, “I think Victor won us the one hundred dollar bet on Louis,” Victor burst into laughter, “FireeFloweer asks: Did you perform or plan to perform a phalloplasty?”

“My hundred?,” Victor gets up from the furniture demanding with his hands and, suddenly, more than half of the set, including the director, makeup artists and decorators begin to drop hundred bills in their hands. Yuuri opens her mouth with surprise and Barbara laughs with the scene that is recorded by the cameraman, one of those who didn’t enter the bet.

“Victor! How many did you bet with?,” And the man is counting the bills dramatically, pursued with the reproachful look of his partner.

“Well, honey, we have to pay for a suite today.”

“I saved myself from betting!,” Barbara laughs as she sits in her seat and sees Victor return to the seat.

“And, answering the question: I have no problem talking about my genitality. However, for Yuuri, it’s a private matter and we agree that it is something that only concerns us,” Yuuri grabs the bills to count while Victor looks at him sideways, “But I can tell you that we have an excellent sex life!”

“Victor!,” Barbara laughs as she looks at the powerful blush that filled Yuuri's face and Victor's funny smile when he saw her.

After watching you dance, believe me that no one would doubt that!,” Barbara checks her booklets, “Constanza Lagunas asks: Yuuri, if you could summarize in one word what makes you happy, what would it be?”

“Acceptance.” Yuuri still wears her blush, but seems to seek to distract from him by looking at Barbara, “Waking up, knowing that I am accompanied by someone who accepts me as I am, seeing myself in the mirror and recognizing myself as what I have always wanted to be... that for me is happiness.”

“It’s beautiful to see it that way,” Yuuri nods while receiving the kiss on his hand from Víctor, “Isagloria asks you this question, Victor: How do you define love?”

“Wow, this is a great question!,” Victor concentrates, “Just like labels, there are many ways in which you have tried to define what love is. For me, love is the recognition and fascination you can achieve towards another person and what she causes in your life, in all areas. And that leads me to give my all, so that that other person I love can continue being that free to continue showing me more of that beauty.”

“I know that dialogue…” Yuuri whispers and Victor smiles confidently.

“If it is a new story, I won’t be the only one who is very interested in reading it.”

“I can only anticipate that it comes from a special place that may see light very soon.”

“Such wonderful news! And we come to the end of this round of questions with Andy-666, for both of them: Are you married? Yes? Do not? If you are not... when the wedding is going to be?,” The couple laughs and look in love.

“Well Andy, it's been several months to agree again with Barbara this interview, so yes, we are already married.” Victor says proudly and Barbara points to the screen, to show a photograph where she dressed in a red mermaid suit, next to Yuuri dressed in a traditional Japanese way and Victor in a black suit next to a pink shirt.

“Victor already had almost everything ready by the time I said yes. Our wedding was in Barcelona, with our friends and colleagues.” Yuuri recounts the emotion filling her eyes while looking at the images. “I dressed like a classic Japanese bride because my parents expressed their desire to see me like this. I thought it was right; after all, Victor and I are an interracial and trans marriage.”

“She looked beautiful!,” the image of Yuuri with his white silk kimono and the tsuno kakushi covering his head appears on the screen, in a beautiful photograph that highlights the calm and happiness of the bride in the middle of a rain of white flowers. Barbara admires her, “I loved the way Yuuri looked that day: diaphanous, perfect, lovely…”

“I felt, and I still feel, the luckiest man to have her.”

“The wedding was beautiful, and I take the opportunity to thank you again for having invited us,” Barbara shows the photograph where the whole team of “Winds of Changes” program, posed next to the bride and groom at the reception. Yuuri wore there a western wedding dress, a white one with the pompous skirt and the sleeves made of a laborious embroidery. Her hair was no longer tightly controlled in the Japanese wedding hairstyle, but fell straight on her covered shoulders. Everyone was hugging and partying in the middle of the party.

“It was a pleasure having you there, Barbara and all of you who have collaborated to keep this program on air.” Victor smiles at her confidentially, “So, Andy, we are already married potatoes.” Crowns with a rogue wink.

“And we reach the end of this special! Really, it has been a pleasure to have you on the set again and I hope I can count on your visit again.”

“Thank you all for inviting us again. It will be a pleasure for Yuuri and me to be here again.”

“And we also thank you for all the beautiful comments and votes we have received across all platforms. Without you, it would be impossible for this project to be carried out. Thank you all and we will meet again in another episode of "Winds of Change"! And remember: The definition of who we are is only in us. See you soon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all!!!
> 
> Thank you very much for joining us in this fun adventure.
> 
> Did you like the story? The translation?
> 
> I invite you to read another of my translated works, a beautiful one-shot written by another amazing author, "Under the Umbrella" by Natilyboo.
> 
> Would you like to read more translations? I would love to! There are excellent authors in the Latin fandom, I would like their works to be read in other languages.
> 
> Thank you again for reading and for your support.
> 
> xoxo
> 
> Sam

**Author's Note:**

> Before end this chapter, I'd like to share the traslation of the reason why Akira wrote this incredible story. Is such a good reason, pretty respectable. I think she has so much empathy with everyone and that's why she's so sensitive for this kind of writing. I know she's very talented, It's such a honor traslate a work like this!
> 
> Akira wrote:
> 
> I start with the first part of this story. I hope you like the format I have chosen to tell it.  
After the revelation that there is a transsexual miss in Spain, all that I have seen in recent weeks have been different positions or opinions on the matter, both those who respect, as those who do not see it right, and even insults, memes and teasing . It has become an issue that goes beyond the internet and gets into our tables, in our jobs or in the subway corridors.
> 
> Between fair or unfair, between right or wrong, between what they call natural beauty (which I consider that in this contest not many are 100% natural), even what they consider this a violation of regulations (which does not happen); I have stopped to ask: What is it really to be a woman? What is really being a man? There are many definitions in this regard, positions that can answer this question either by biology, genetics, sociology and others, which really is not the objective of this short interpellation. I feel that rather than wanting to respond to these dilemmas or give a clear position in this regard, I just want to explain where this idea came from.
> 
> The trans community is a community that I don't belong to, but to which I have a lot of appreciation and admiration. It is true that I find it impossible to imagine what it would have been like if my body was not in accordance with my identity, but I can afford to empathize with the different forms of suffering that they live. Many years ago, I played a trans character and had to read a lot to be able to shape it, using the image of a Brazilian trans model. In the role if there is something interesting is that well documented allows you to see things inside the fictional shoes of that character and feel them as yours. The teasing, the contempt, even the failed relationships that Veronik had during the time I played it, were things that I lived as if it were in my own flesh.
> 
> The fact that everything that happened with Angela Ponce would have stirred up this discussion that seems not to end, only attracted those memories. I also remembered an original that I had deceived and tried to retake, with a transsexual character. And while this happens, opinions continue to multiply and I see everyone with the moral power to judge what we think it is to be a man, what we think it is to be a woman and how they should live each of their lives. Indicate with the ease with which a comment is given from the comfort of your home.
> 
> The original: Her name is Claudia says: 'It doesn't matter what people can think of you. Only what you think of yourself is capable of changing your world. ' I want to take this back here.
> 
> With this story I want to answer another: 'How to love if we don't love each other?' I hope that through the voice of Yuuri and Victor we can see this other reality that sometimes is so complicated to understand.


End file.
